Diary
Me
Today was a sad day for me for whatever reasons I made up to be sad about. Around my period I always worry that I'm pregnant, pill and condoms used, but still. I went in the Dollar Store earlier this morning, planning to skip my first class and get a pregnancy test. I was in this poor-judgement haze, seeing as I've only been on my white pill for two days and logically I wouldn't have gotten the period yet. I made a beeline for the "Health" aisle, and there was a mother and her little girl in front of the area where I thought they'd be (they no longer stock them. like i'd trust it anyway.)
and i thought to myself, 'You know, if I'm pregnant, I'm gonna get an abortion. This could be me. This mom with the beautiful little daughter. I'd be a horrible mom, probably. Or not. I could have HIV right now, theoretically. I wonder what it would be like to die on a day like today, to just sense the inevitability of it and let it take you..."
the whole day was like so much glycerine, slow and hardly viscous behind my eyes, tears that were too illogical and childish to shed, too not-worth-it to let them see air. I got rushes of sick sadness that almost felt like happiness, but they were sick and slow and decaying. The air outside smells sweet like rot, too. Cloying and earthy like pumpkins, but somehow sinister. I do this to myself, I know. It's like some kind of need for personal upheaval and drama, sadness and hopelessness that never need to be felt or even acknowledged. It's not real to me now, now that I've let my mind take over and talked myself out of the corner. But I wonder if this self-hate will ever sabotage me. I hope no one ever knows about it.Past Five
are you blind or somethin'? - 2009-11-24
given - 2009-11-15
rape of reason - 2009-11-13
rubbed away - 2009-08-13
eager eyes - 2009-07-24