Diary
Me
My eyes are a delicate stormy ocean green. Today they changed me, or at least the way I think.
I miss Kyle… Every time we talk to each other we start falling back in love- the intervals between our contact are getting achingly and progressively longer. He told me that if he wanted a relationship right now, he’d come back and put a ring on my finger, buy me a house, try knocking me up (a joke), “anything to make [you] mine.” But it’s impractical and unlikely right now- we’re both in hyper achievement mode. But it’s also tantalizing, scary, and hopeful.
I hold my love for him like a dowry, keeping me anticipating and giving me something to dream about. Sometimes when I’m in the kitchen by myself I can hear his breath in my ear and feel his hands creeping over my hips to hug me from behind. It keeps me from feeling lonely and desperate.
I didn’t love him while he was still in New York and we were dating, but we still sizzle with chemistry when we talk. It makes us both hurt so good in such an exhausting way. Our feelings for each other can’t be squashed out. We’ve tried that to no avail.
Kyle is dominant in a way that makes me feel safe. I’m an independent female, but with him I can act soft and feminine (as much as I am capable of, ha) and loving. I could see myself letting him take care of me if I was having a vulnerable or bad day. I fear entrusting that privilege/massive chore, perhaps more than anything else. But I’d let him do it.
When he tells me I’m beautiful, I believe him as if I’ve never believed anything else to be true in my life. He’s the wallpaper on the front screen of my cell phone. He’s the face I see when I hook up with cute-random-guy-who’s-funny-and-has-a-big-cock.
The last time I hooked up with a guy, he wanted to cuddle afterwards. I pressed by face into his chest and closed my eyes thinking, “I love you, Kyle. Part of me still does. Don’t forget me.”
So as I stared into my own eyes in my rearview mirror, I felt an enormous and foreboding amount of respect for myself. Still holding onto that special guy I met a year ago- still vividly feeling the beauty and pain. Still able to carry on and be productive, go to work and my Social Work internship, have friends, still able to love others.
That elusive, inner self-love I thought had been assimilated into my being spoke into my ear as a separate entity.. I deserve better than the list of dudes that accumulate so meaninglessly in my Contacts group called “Hit it and Quit it.”
Honey, you deserve more. You are a gem to be found, not a trinket to flash around like a cheap ring.
Past Five
are you blind or somethin'? - 2009-11-24
given - 2009-11-15
rape of reason - 2009-11-13
rubbed away - 2009-08-13
eager eyes - 2009-07-24