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The Halves
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paws up 3:57 a.m. & 2010-06-09 I'm going to fail my first class since I was depressed in High School. It's my last semester, and I just got accepted into the University ___ for their Social Work program. I don't really care.
I made up with my friend Regina, who I hadn't been speaking to since 6 months ago. She used to be a junkie. She was recently diagnosed with bipolar; a lot of my friends seem to be functioning bipolar. The difference between functioning and not functioning is personal accountability and bravery. Willing to feel pain, and overcome and cope. A pointed finger is about as good as a thumb up the ass.
I told Regina I was going to fail; she and I are academic perfectionists. She said, “I'm probably going to get my first C since I dropped out the first time. You can't be perfect all the time. Sometimes you have to make mistakes.” Trite tedium, eh? No. It was the most comforting thing in the world.
I realized that I pretty much failed on purpose. I have received so many miracles and karmic gifts I needed desperately, so many smiles and extended hands. Not enough to shield me from pain, but seemingly more than others after what I've been through. For my pain, for my intelligence, for my insight. Being invincible is so tiresome. I wanted to tempt the yawning edge of There But For The Grace Of God Go I. I pissed in the face of karma. It pissed back. All my other classes I'm taking are A's. I totally did this to myself subconsciously, and didn't see it until it was... “squatting” above me, if you will.
past & future Currently Past Five
paws up - 2010-06-09
sim=pl - 2010-05-26
ma-ma-ma-monster - 2010-02-28
Magic - 2009-12-07
are you blind or somethin'? - 2009-11-24